What is alchemy? It is the ability to turn something of lesser value into a precious thing, something of great value. I hear so many people talking about alchemizing their experiences and I sit back and wonder if we just use words to disguise our own delusion. We boast of our internal work with no evidence or fruit in the external. Do I do that?
In some sense, maybe I do. We all have blind spots. Since I have moved to Ocean Springs, Mississippi, my main objective is to shape my children into responsible young adults. The first order of business is to get them on a routine and to make sure they have learned to clean up after themselves and to make their bed without prompting. Every single day I repeat myself, over and over again. I take away privileges and occasionally I lose my shit and start fussing about how they never listen. I believe in emotional intelligence so I always come back to center and explain my desire to raise them well. But still, the bathroom is left with a counter full of skin care products. The rooms have dirty clothes strewn across the floor. The beds are half made, if they are made at all. This single mother is left feeling defeated day after day. What more do I have to do?
Then one day I walked into my own room to find my bed half made, if made at all. I saw my dirty clothes dropped on the floor next to the laundry basket. I saw my makeup products cluttering the bathroom countertop and my mind’s eye opened. Ahh… I see. How can I teach what I don’t practice? Isn’t all learning energetic anyway? They are modeling me. So I tightened up my own routine and got more strict on the consequences of them not following through with theirs.
I realize that boundaries in the home start with internal boundaries with self. What will I allow within me?
Only when I can reckon with my truth can I experience a life that reflects what I desire deep within.
This is a theme I revisit often in my life. I am trauma survivor. I don’t like to talk about it much, because people advise me not to make it part of what defines me. However, it does define me. My trauma taught me about myself and my ability to rise from anything.
I am not damaged goods even though some days I feel like there’s no hope for me to be like the girl down the street who has the perfect relationship with a man who loves all of her. I may never be like the girl who sees sunshine and rainbows around every corner or the woman who believes that everything is working out in her favor. Regardless, I am me. When I turn within, I see a woman who has learned what many people have not. I have learned the value of not hiding behind delusion, recognizing the blindspots and alchemizing them into gold. To alchemize, I don’t just look on the bright side. I don’t “THINK ONLY GOOD THOUGHTS” myself to death. I see it all and choose belief systems that help me create a life that feels authentic to my actual circumstances.
I had a friend call me in a panic once. She had started a business and the rent was due. She didn’t want to admit that she didn’t have the funds. I remember those days. So I drove out to see her. I brought $1500.00 cash and dropped it on her countertop when I walked into her house. I bought her product that moment. I saw her take breath of relief and sat down with her to coach her out of the physical response she was in. “This just isn’t human.”, she said about the stress she felt between juggling business, parenting and life. “Yea, welcome to entrepreneurship.”, I said. It sounds selfish to say that the stress of single parenting is inhumane when families across the Earth are being bombed by governments desperate to see the dollar signs behind wartime economics. However, the stress is real in it’s own rite.
For 12 years I have worked multiple jobs, three at a time. I didn’t have time to socialize. When I would go to the pool, I’d fall asleep while everyone was having a good time. I stopped showing up because the “real moms” made their distaste of me known. I didn’t get child support like them. They could never understand.
I was so busy that one of my best friends of 20 years debated not having me in her wedding party because she didn’t want to burden me. That gave me a hard perspective shift. I love people. I love connection, but when you’re juggling bills and the expense of raising children on one income, how do make time for it all? I couldn’t. Those were hard days. I cried everyday. I did all the manifestation tactics. I wrote out a check for $100,000.00 written to myself and taped it on the doorframe of my mobile home bathroom. I prayed. Some days I wondered if taking my life would be best for all of us. I wasn’t just alone, I was recovering from physical and mental abuse. I was a shell of a person.
People say that giving up isn’t an option, but it is. I felt it everyday. Instead, I turned to my spiritual life. I read 4 books a month, got on supplements to support my brain health, started working out 3x a week and started going to YOUTUBE university to learn financial literacy. In order to offset the expense of daycare, I bought one for no money down and no payments for 6 months. It wasn’t the best deal given the total cost, but it’s what needed to be done for me to keep my head above water.
It paid for itself and I hired someone to run it so I could work a job that would pay the bills. I dove into marketing and photography. The skills I gained with that had heads of corporations raving about my ability to capture food in ways that 6 figure companies couldn’t. I got my real estate license and partnered up with Josh Floyd, one of the partners at Exit Reality in Lake Charles. I did the marketing and he handled the contracts. This was partly because I was too busy to write a decent contract. Back then we were both small time, working for his dad’s company. We started doing well, but my responsibilities outside of real estate didn’t warrant a 50/50 split for my efforts. I knew that. Eventually I had to make a choice. So I chose the direction of marketing for my parent’s business.
I began blogging back then because this deep desire to coach wouldn’t leave my mind. This was before everybody was a coach and social media fame was a thing. This was well before all of that. So I started posting videos like they tell you to do now. I started writing everyday. I got picked up by a local magazine and offered my own column. All of this I did for free. I knew I couldnt financially sustain myself and build the business so I sold my trailer home and moved into a tiny 2 bedroom FEMA trailer on my family property. I got rid of everything and live like a minimalist. We had 3 cups, 3 bowls, 3 sets of silverware and 3 plates. It was just enough for me to manage my healing and my work life.
I worked every day. But family members would come to me and tell me that my Facebook was stupid. “Take it down.”, they said. “Go to work!”, I was told. I was working, marketing, running the daycare, and writing. People didn’t understand, nor did they want to. I had a best selling author from the UK call me and ask if I would be a part of her coaching team. I couldn’t take any opportunity for growth in coaching back then because there was nobody to keep my kids or help me physically. They don’t know their father or his family. It’s not safe for them to be involved with him. I had no real support in that way. I had no support in the business at all because people thought I was stupid for what I was trying to build.
I was stressed, but I kept the vision. I began really dedicating myself to manifesting techniques. I said my affirmations, took care of myself, and did the work. I became a master at seeing it and creating it. That’s all fine and well, but what happens when opportunity comes and you can’t take it because your circumstances restrict you? People don’t understand the sacrifices of single parenting. I was into toxic positivity back then. It worked to some extent. It helped me suppress my true feelings at least.
I ended up meeting a man who swept me off my feet. We were brilliant together. He had a great job, took me on trips, was active in our lives. It was beautiful from the outside. Being in that relationship pulled me away from a lot of toxicity that was around me. I was able to separate myself a little more, because he saw the light in me. Around that time, Buffis Peauxboys was on the verge of closing. I was asked to go in and price the equipment and see what a good sales price for the business model would be. When I was in there, I realized that it was a great business. So I asked for the opportunity to make it work. Overnight I doubled sales with the marketing skills that I had been building for years. It was overwhelming. I changed the business model, the staff mutinied on me because I had high standards. I was there from morning until night. It consumed my life so much so that I sold the daycare and let go of all other responsibilities. I hired a nanny and took off in the business. I was focused on the growth and nothing could distract me. This led to the end of the relationship that I was in, and I am happy about that. As time would tell, he had skeletons in his emotional closet that he hid well. God protected me.
The business was my life. We got so busy that I had to store dry goods in my mini van because we didnt have enough room for storage. We had to expand and fast. I was too busy to see anything besides growth in the business. My spiritual life was non existent. What did I care. When I was spiritual, I was abused and broke. When I was spiritual, I was left desolate internally. My spiritual life got me here so what do I need it for now!
Now I had a purpose. People weren’t telling me I was stupid. I was getting respect from the same family members who talked so poorly of me. I just knew I was in my stride. I saw the end game. I started paying off debt, my vehicle anything that I owed on. I wanted it gone. I knew I would eventually be called back into coaching and my artistry, so I wanted to prepare myself financially for that. As we all know, you’re lucky if your art pays you. You’re brilliant if it pays you well. I had a plan. I thought eventually I would franchise my operation. I was on track for massive growth. I had started back online sharing the journey of entrepreneurship and I was getting a ton of traction, so much so that outsiders were telling me that I could eventually monetize it.
That’s all good, but what happens when you get so wrapped up in one area of your life that you neglect the others? That’s not natural. Eventually when you’re on an unnatural path, nature will you pull back to center. When you haven’t dealt with the true internal landscape that causes you to desperately seek validation, success and the desire to throw the middle finger up to everyone who doubted you, nature will come calling for a reckoning. Those blindspots will slap you in the face.
That’s exactly what happened to me. In my stride, one of the sickest narcissistic sociopaths around found me. I was love bombed, promised the world, sold the dreams of how we could join forces and take off in the wind. For those of you who don’t know, love bombing is a tried and true tactic of an abuser. It feels so good and it’s hard to walk away from. What is it? You see, some people were never taught to connect with others. So they manipulate emotions to get their way. They weren’t taught how to get to know someone or how to grow in intimacy. Instead, they see others as a pawn for success or clout. Whatever it may be. These people love bomb to soothe their own anxiety. I fell in love. My whole life changed. Abuse like this starts with love bombing and then goes to devaluing. You go from the best thing that ever happened to them to an inherently flawed person who is a burden.
It hit me hard. I stayed because I couldn’t leave. It was too hard. My life was wrapped up fast in this persons life. Boy oh boy were they good. My kids still talk about how poorly they were treated when no one was around. Because of the mental and emotional abuse, I became a shell of a human again! I was being driven crazy. A trauma bond is no joke. How did I get here again? Wow! Talk about shame.
I eventually left. It was hard. I wouldn’t have left, but an angel came to me in a dream and told me to get out. Ever since, my spiritual gifts came online like I had stepped into another dimension. There was no going back. I was legally harassed for three years. The lies were good. The abuser told everyone I committed crimes that could never be proven in court no matter how many attorneys or how much money was spent.
I feel bad for the attorney who turned into a victim of the psychopath. When nothing could be done, the last attorney is facing the threat of getting disbarred. It’s sad that someone so sick is so supported in business.
Even the District Attorney had to drop the case for lack of grounds. But still, the lies were spread. Sociopaths are good in that way. I kept quiet, silently suffering, recovering from the abuse. Former exes reached out. We had a support group. We pulled all of our police reports together to discuss what action needed to be taken to stop the monster. Each one of us had 3-4 reports of calls on the abuser for the stalking and harassment. To this day, I get random messages about the current victim needing advice or help. It’s real bad.
This person doesn’t just threaten your way of life. They threaten your mental and emotional existence. They all but kill you to keep you quiet about how sick they really are behind closed doors. Every legal abuse is taken.They take a little bit of truth about you and turn into a hellacious story about your character. I tell my kids every day that one person can ruin your life. I show them how to spot signs of borderline personality disorder and narcissism. I show them what to look for to spot sociopaths.
Say what you want, but I will not let my children fall victim to evil that resides in some humans. I never believed in demons quite like I do now having dealt with someone who would pass by my house every day, stalk me and obsess over how to destroy my reputation and my financial well being. All the while, I was just trying to heal. Look, everybody who has been abused by this kind of person knows that eventually the victim becomes the villain in order to maintain sanity in some respect. I fought back. I stood for myself until I realized that I had to get out or else I would never be able to recognize myself again. Fighting back in the court system was unnecessary. All of it was bullshit and every attorney knew. But who will turn down $50,000 from a an obsessive narcissist. Some attorneys did. They didnt need the money. They saved themselves.
I stayed quiet about it through the years. I have been through too much to get involved with that kind of evil. Even writing this poses a threat to my safety, but I am all the way in Mississippi now. I have suffered half a decade because of someone else.
In all of that abuse, I didn’t know how to heal. I read books. I studied. I went to retreats. I relied on my friends and family. I was sick emotionally and mentally. I didn’t want to get on medicine. I didn’t know if I would ever recover though. I am still in recovery and speaking the truth is part of it. My spiritual life brought me down a winding road of self discovery. I realized that abusers aren’t attracted to the light. They are attracted to the shadows, the codependency, the need for validation, the desperation to finally be loved and seen, the desire to have help. They see it and they know exactly how to maneuver.
You don’t know the half of what I have endured. Words couldn’t adequately describe the hell I have walked through. When you look in the mirror and you don’t see anything, what do you call that? Disassociation? Unless you have been through it, you wouldn’t understand.
I found meditation and it changed my life. I would have a vision and then execute it. All while I was struggling, crying, triggered, I was called to serve so I did. Every day, I looked for opportunities to serve. My spiritual life became more and more intense. I didnt have a guru I looked up to. Nobody is talking publicly about trauma and healing, not that I could find. So I went within. The angels came to me day after day, showing me where the trauma began. I would have psychedelic experiences before I ever knew about plant medicine. This journey is not something for the faint of heart. I was sent on a path of healing that’s unconventional, clearing karma.
In my past, I mindsetted my way to what I thought was wholeness, but still in all I was attracting the same abuse in a different timeline. It was my energy that needed cleansing. I needed an awakening and baby an awakening is what I got. Still I was working, building, creating. So much so that I received accolades in the vistors bureau magazine. I was called the joy ambassador. Little did they know how much pain I had to go through to feel joy again. I even received a legacy award from the Lieutenant Governor. Don’t ask me how. I’ll just point up and in.
So here we are. I am the alchemist. I have taken the brokenness and turned it into gold. I have had the visions and even when my knees were shaking I followed through on them. When I stopped caring about the recognition, I was appreciated for my true spirit. When I stopped trying so hard and nurtured myself, I received everything I was always desperate for. Now I have friends that I call family. I have peace. I have an iron will and I have my heart back. On top of all of that, I see clearly why I went through what I endured.
It was because I was going to come back to the page–full circle. I was called, all those years ago, to coach and to write. Back then, I was just a baby. I had a lot to give, but not nearly what I have now. It all had to happen. I know that. I knew it back then. My body was weak but my spirit was strong. I had to face the fear of staring the devil down. I don’t recommend it. But look at me now. I have a way, a path that I paved. You have to take care of the mind, body and the spirit. I didn’t know that back then, but I see it now.
It wasnt even about the past partners. They were sent to me so I could get here. They are not my enemies even though they might want to believe that. I do not care if they succeed or fail. I do not even bother myself with the concern for their life. I am beyond that. I see their actions towards me as their weakness. I see their darkness as a mirror for my evolution. Every time they try to hurt me, I rise. Now I see it all as if a gift for my evolution. Try to take me down and watch how my wings get stronger as I fight to rise. I see what was in me that called them by my side and I thank them for showing me who I really am despite their efforts to shape me into what they wanted. I am an alchemist.
May my words be received in peace and inspiration. May you see my heart and be gracious to protect it.
Thank you for taking your time to see me a little more clearly. May we all find the inner alchemist that we know we are.
With The Deepest Love,