My Sweet Friend,
I’ve shied away from self belief for a few years now because of the shame I felt from the trauma that I endured. However, I am stepping into an era of authentic self expression and that requires me to stop hiding. I feel like I am stumbling a bit, trying to balance the distaste I have for egotistical displays and needing to display my own work. Ironically, the most “humble” people I have met turned out to be the most raging narcissists behind closed doors, so I am deep in my era to fully express, knowing damn well my intentions are pure.
So here I am on a public forum, spilling my heart. I have to fight the feelings of fear as I continue to lean into truth here. Please send me the best intentions as I stumble upon my purpose by surrendering to the deep calling to continue to show up, here on the page.
This weekend, my son and I made our way back to my hometown of Lake Charles, LA.
For those of you who don’t know, I was born and raised in Lake Charles. I own a small mom and pop restaurant in the downtown area. Using that business as a platform to serve, I became a community architect over the last three years. Then one day I was called in my spirit to move, so I teleported to Ocean Springs, MS with my two kiddos. The teleportation thing is a joke, but not really. When I decided to move I was gone in less than three weeks.
People ask me all the time why I decided to leave and it’s complicated. There are a number of reasons, but most importantly, I needed time alone with my children. I needed space, just for me for a while.
I have been healing from deep trauma for years now. The internal work isn’t for the faint of heart. I’ve sat with such darkness, felt pain on the deepest level and risen. However, there’s more alchemy to be performed within my spirit and I needed time and space to create that within myself.
In Lake Charles, I take on great responsibility to lead by example for the community. I have boundaries, but I don’t always recognize them until I am on the brink of burn out. So, I moved by the ocean. There’s something about the water that sparks a deep resonance within my heart, returning me to peace in a matter of moments.
I am a single mom and recovering co dependent. I have dove so deep into loneliness even when it scared me and now I don’t fear it anymore. I’ve had many options for love, connections that are pure. But I am still learning Paige, recovering from the need to attach. The single life isnt so bad. I have committed myself to building intimacy authentically with my soul tribe and living a spirit led life. I just haven’t found the intimate relationship that felt safe enough to commit.
My friendships are truly fulfilling, so I lost the need to find the one, if there is any such things as the one for me.
In that belief, the desperation to be chosen fades with time. I guess it’s because I feel chosen. I choose myself over and over again. I love who I’ve become over the years. I love knowing that no one else’s opinion can overshadow the opinion I have of myself. I’ve proven to live by my values year after year. I have made some mistakes and felt the karma from it. I accept it when it comes. I let it go as fast as it arrives. I can take the truth about myself as long as it comes from the lips of those who love me to my core.
The truth is that I am at a turning point. I feel it on a soul level. Over the years, I’ve grown close to my intuition. She speaks clearly now and sometimes she can be quite demanding. I like that about her.
The intuitive desire to serve has grown wings. I am on a soul mission now, uncovering my Dharma and the path is unfolding quite nicely. The flow is magnetic. It’s funny because the less I try, the more miracles unfold. For instance, I was walking around my block in Lake Charles, when I ran into one of the most brilliant neuroscientists this world has known. He’s a best selling author of higher consciousness. He’s my soul father and great friend now. Synchronicities like this happen to me almost daily. You will see as the year goes by if you choose to keep up with my writing.
My goal is to listen to my spirit and to live in service for the greater good of all. I do that by taking care of what is right in front of me, my family and friends. Speaking of friends, I have some of the best in this world. We share values, but we are all so so different. I was honored to get to spend time with my friends this weekend in Lake Charles. I drove in Friday and met a group of them at Bodega, a local wine dive. After a few hours, we went to my best friends house and watched a few of our friends play Usher songs on the Ukulele and the guitar. My friend group is quite entertaining.
Spirit always provides the relationships that I need to grow with. In the past, that growth came with pain, but I set the intention to grow with ease, joy and deep love from now on. Once I decided that, my friend group grew deep roots.
The love we share is profound. We take care of each other spiritually, mentally and emotionally. A lot of people don’t really understand my relationships partly because it’s unusual to have this type of purity between people.
Even with my guy best friend, our relationship is different. At first we both wondered what the depth of our connection meant. When we got out of the programming that masculine and feminine connections had to be romantic, we were able to build a bond like no other. I loosen him up and he acts as my guardian.
I’ve learned that healing isn’t about finding someone to attach to so you can forget or numb the pain. Healing is done through community, when people can hold space for all parts you. It happens on a soul level connection. That’s what my friends and I have created. We don’t judge each other. We don’t talk shit. We just open our hearts to one another respecting the fact that we are all a little screwed up in some way, but we are all pretty amazing as well. My female best friend and I are sisters, soul sisters. She’s taken care of me over the years, beyond her capability at times, which I will always respect. It’s not easy healing from trauma, but with the right people in your circle, it’s possible. She is a huge part of my success and my joy.
Saturday, I met up with both my guy and girl friend at one of the biggest local music festivals in Lake Charles, Chuckfest. I love festivals partly because of the crowd energy and partly because of the music. I love them so much I curated a few of my own when I was living in Lake Charles. While there on Saturday I got to hang with old friends who I haven’t seen in a while.
I love my community. The people in Southwest Louisiana are friendly party animals. Any excuse to let loose, we will find it. Around 3pm, I went back to the apartment we have downtown and got dressed for my friend’s wedding. She was a stunning bride. This woman right here is a SOUL. Again, I am blessed to have friendships with some amazing human beings. She asked me to get on stage and lead a meditation right after they said their vows. It was one of the greatest honors of my life. This is what I think of her and her husband.
It was getting chilly out so my best friend and I headed out as soon as the sun went down. We got dressed and headed back to meet friends at Chuckfest for the finale.
Im back in Ocean Springs now and still riding the high of the love and connections I felt this weekend. I live and breathe community.
The season has changed for me so I don’t get my community quite as often as I once did. I have friends in Ocean Springs and more are coming. The thing is that I am not all that interested in socializing out here right now. I am in a spiritual cocoon of sorts.
I see angels. I know that sounds crazy. It sounded crazy to me when it started happening in 2020, so much so that I asked a somatic therapist to give me tools to make it stop. Nobody had the answers. So, I just followed the direction I was being given and my whole life changed. I started food drives, festivals and eventually won a legacy award from the visitors bureau. I ended up finding some intuitive coaches who told me that I tapped into spiritual gifts and not to be afraid. This led me to leading some of the most profound spiritual retreats and coaching high performers into presence. So the angels are communing with me here in OS. The energetics of the spiritual work are potent.
I surrender to it all. I’ve had visions of what’s to come and I trust it. Being where I am at feels like home right now. There’s something about the energy here that gives me peace. I am excited.
I used to be scared that people wouldnt take me seriously. Im not even going to lie. I used to judge the spiritual quacks who saw angels and received messages, until the messages I started receiving proved to be true.
For my own peace of mind, I have proven myself over and over again to myself. Even in the midst of a breakdown, I got my ass up and worked hard in service. So, there’s really nothing someone can say to me or about me that would make me doubt what I carry. Even in my weakness there is strength. I am built by action in uncertainty, smiles through the pain. I am not everything. I know my limits, but I test them often.
Over time, the insecurities just become ridiculous chatter in the mind. It’s still there. I still hear the voice of my abusive ex telling me that I could never build a brand. I still hear all sorts of words that were spoken about me. I just keep moving forward despite all of it. As an alchemist, my job is to take the negative and turn it into gold. The lives touched by that are what I live for.
When you know yourself, you stop trying to prove something and you just live for the purpose.
That’s the transition I am making. That is what I am up to. It’s going to be an eventful ride.
Thank you for reading.
With the Deepest Love,