On my birthday this week I told myself that 34 was going to be my year of emotional control. “Mom! I’m not going to be emotional about this.”, I said at dinner last night when we were discussing betrayal. “Be emotional! You can! That’s the Italian in us!”, she replied.
In that moment I saw myself clearly. Of course I’m hot headed. Of course I get rowdy when someone is disrespected. I was raised by an Italian woman. However, being away from everyone in Ocean Springs has allowed me to gain even more clarity.
I am taking a new approach. I will have all the feelings, but I will learn a deep sense of power and control.
I don’t know how long this will take me, but I’ll be patient with myself.
The emotional unwinding has been important for me on this journey, but I’m in a different place with all of my work.
I can tell that I’m stepping into a more refined version of myself. My desires are different. My heart feels settled.
I’ve been hanging out with a guy friend who is interested in all the things I like when it comes to growth. So this morning I got on a call with him that took an unexpected turn.
He called me out for my communication style. He coached me around how to be more effective.
He schooled me on techniques and understandings around relationships. He tried to give me dating advice and I listened. However, I don’t want to date. “I’m not really interested in forever. I don’t walk out the house hoping to get picked up by a man. That’s not where my head is at.”, I told him.
“Did you feel rejected last night?”, he asked about our time at Blue Martini. I was working the room trying to get everyone dancing but they just wanted to talk. I personally don’t go anywhere with live music and hope to talk to someone. “My friend, I don’t care about rejection. You don’t understand. I want to make memories with everyone. I want to bring joy everywhere I go. Rejection is the absolute last thing I think about.”, I told him. He understood. I’m just me at all times. People try to figure me out, but I’m complex.
I don’t expect everyone to understand. I have been sad, depressed and struggling. I’m not wasting a second of my life. One of my gene keys is ecstasy. I was born to bring life to situations.
While I was talking to him, I started crying out of nowhere. “I don’t know what you’re doing to me right now.”, I said after he started probing me. I got calm, quiet even. Emotional Control is the key.
He told me exactly what I needed to hear in order for me to feel settled and grounded. He understands why I am in Ocean Springs. I have to channel the higher version of myself so I can bring that energy anywhere I go. It’s important. It’s wild how I am sent the most fulfilling relationships when I need them.
My friendships are amazing.
He’s a good wing man too.
We had gone out the night before and I whispered to him, “You see that girl? I’ve had a crush on her for years.”
He told me what to do and I did it. Her and I connected as usual, because we are friends.
“Looks like someone took a bite out of the back of your pants.”, she said.
“I want you to.”, I told her. She was surprised. It was cute.
I’m here, exploring the land of Lake Charles with my tribe. I’m exploring myself as well.
I’m back in my business too. I’ve been debating on whether or not I want to sell it. I’m still in the debate.
I’ve been working every day since I got home. I love my little business. I love the customers who are so precious. It’s great socializing like this.
I’m definitely torn between two worlds. It’s okay though. I can hold space for this splitting.
Many people tell me that I need to let go of how my identity is tied to Buffis. I don’t listen to that. I put my life into this business. It’s my baby. That’s like saying remove your identity of motherhood.
It’s blessed me. Not being here I can’t manage my standards. I believe in excellence and that’s a lot to expect of people who aren’t invested. Even at its worse, it’s still an amazing business. That’s the kicker for me.
I needed a break though. I needed space to clear my head. I took a risk, but I’m seeing how it’s affecting my spirit in a positive way.
I am evolving beyond Buffis, but there’s a soft spot in my heart for the business.
I raised my kids in the store. There are so many memories.
I’m just evaluating everything in my life right now. I have 6 more months in Ocean Springs. I’ll have to decide whether or not I’m coming back. What will bring me back? Will I want to?
I’m trusting the now moment to teach and guide me.
While I’m here, I’m taking care of what’s right in front of me. My business has my heart. That’s just the reality of my life.
I found a partner for the business. So I’m hoping if the right person is here loving it like it’s there’s then I won’t even have to think twice.
Who knows? I’m just in the process as always. However this go around, I’m controlling my emotions so that the decisions I make reflect careful consideration, wisdom and highest intention.
It was busy today. People are excited I’m here. I’m excited. There’s nothing like giving your all to something and reaping the reward for it.
What you sow you reap right?
I’m ready for the harvest.
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