Paige Vidrine

Anybody else still coming down from the high of Mardi Gras? It was worth the dopamine crash. Mardi Gras, for me, is better than Christmas. It’s an excuse for one big party. Everyone is out on the streets. You get to reconnect with childhood friends and their families. It’s a good time all the way around.

My Mardi Gras vacation was quite the experience. I drove in with the kiddos on Sunday and stopped by Steamboat Bills to fill up on gumbo and crawfish before the three of us went our separate ways. My kiddos live their best lives with cousins and friends when we come into town. After departing, I took my mom to dinner at Ember for her birthday. “That’s a lot of food to consume in a matter of hours”, you must think. Yes it is. I tend to leave Louisiana swollen and I am okay with that. There is no better food than in Southwest Louisiana.

While I was on my way to drop my mom off, I saw that my sister’s driveway was full of cars. I decided to crash her Superbowl party. It’s always fun socializing with the Steamboat Bills family. Plus, the man who I used to love and who helped me build my career was there. I always love to see him outside of his working environment. I am not a big believer in breaking up and then never talking again. It’s such a weird concept to build a life with someone then act like strangers. Any chance I get to show a little honor and respect I will. He told me once about how proud he was of me for the work I have done. He has watched me from the beginning. That says a lot if a former lover still holds respect for the way you move in life. It speaks of someone’s integrity and heart for sure. He knows me better than most. He has seen me through many breakdowns and many breakthroughs.

When I left from there I went to a local pub to play darts with some friends before heading back to the loft to get some rest. I awoke to find my friend in my bed. We hung out all morning talking about life and intimacy. She asked me if I was sexually attracted to my ex. “The days of casual sex are over for me. It’s not like that.”, I told her.

Do I want to wrap him up in a bear hug? Absolutely. When I love, it doesn’t ever stop. Even for those who hurt me. It’s all love. I just can’t be intimate unless I trust that the other person can protect me. When I was raped I completely lost the connection between physical intimacy and the heart. As I have been on this healing journey, I realized that sexual intimacy ties the soul in ways that nothing else can. It is beautiful. It is sacred. It is dangerous if you aren’t careful. I remember crying during intimacy once. He was shocked. I was shocked. When you suppress feelings for so long, it’s confusing when they bubble up. I don’t even know how to make sense of it. Nor do I need to in order to understand that I need genuine intimacy before physical intimacy in order to protect my heart.

My friend and I went our separate ways that morning so that I could go spend some time with my mom. My daughter decided that she wanted to sell candy in order to raise money for a Taylor swift concert. So I went to Sam’s with my son and got them 7 boxes to sell. I love watching the entrepreneur spirit be shaped in my children. It’s a beautiful thing to witness them grow and evolve in their self sufficiency while having the guidance and support that they need to feel secure. I am proud of them. I stuck around Steamboats for a while before dropping my son to his cousins and heading out to Umami for dinner with some friends who were in from Houston. I love catching up with my community and showering my people with love.

Afterwards, I hung out with them at the black jack tables before heading to a downtown bar to watch a band play live. I was getting a little too tired and drunk so I bounced on everyone so I could get some Waffle House before crashing for the night.

I woke up on Fat Tuesday ready for an adventure. Before I had left Mississippi to come down for the holiday I shuffled through all of my clothes to find that I had donated my Mardi Gras adornments from last year. Of course I did! So I searched for anything purple, green and gold. I found a green linen wrap skirt which was cute enough to be paired to make a costume. I didnt have a regular tank or t-shirt that wouldn’t make me look like I was trying to style an actual outfit and not a costume. However, I did have a piece of lingerie that wasn’t too revealing. I figured with a jacket or top it would give costume and not slut. I was right. I did have a wig that I purchased for the yoga fest, so I threw it all together to make the perfect Mardi Gras Esmerelda. Tuesday morning, I stuck my linen wrap skirt in the dryer to get the wrinkles out before putting on more makeup than I have worn in years.

When I threw the outfit together I felt like a new woman. That is the power of a costume and to be quite honest, I feel like I belong in New Orleans with how much I want to put on different characters all the time.

First stop was of course Steamboat Bills to have the breakfast of champions, crawfish. I also wanted to check on my daughter’s business operation which was going AMAZINGLY! Then I went to Exit Reality downtown to check in with friends. That is where they decided our check point would be. I didnt find my Mardi Gras crew but I did find the owners of the real estate company, one of which is a great friend of mine. We have known each other for 10 years. We were actually real estate partners for a while and did exceptionally well together in business. It was a great career move for me, but the opportunity to step into Buffis came screaming. So I walked away from real estate. I am happy that I did. He has done wonderfully in his evolution.

I realized, shortly after I arrived to Exit Realty, that I didnt have beer. So I walked my happy ass to the corner store about 4 blocks away. When I was walking out with a case of beer and a bag of ice, I thought to myself, “I wish that I could get a ride.”

Just as I walked up to the first light, a guy rolled down his window and said, “Paige, Do you need a ride?” It was someone I knew through acquaintances. So of course I got into the guy’s car. The short trip back to Exit was really pleasant. I couldn’t help but think of how grateful I am to be so loved and supported.

“Not everyone likes you.”, this guy once told me when he was mad at me. Who could be so egotistical to believe that everyone would like them? I only need a few. The rest can make me a main character in their world if they want, but I certainly don’t think of them.

I will take the random rides when I need them. I will take the opened doors when they present themself. I am not walking around wondering who likes me. The ones that do will show it.

The festivities began shortly after with the 1pm walking parade. For those of you who don’t know, everyone is famous during Mardi Gras. So you will get greeted randomly throughout the day, probably every other minute. I love it. I walked up and down the streets saying hey to old friends and their families.

When I walked into Pujo to grab a drink, I ran into a group of women who were so affectionate to me. It was actually pretty unbelievable. One kept telling me how proud she was of me and how much I have accomplished. Another went on and on about my mindset. Another gave me the biggest hug. It was honestly so heartfelt and made me feel like I was on the right path.

Sometimes when you’re building something there doesn’t feel like a ton of momentum at first. You don’t see big results immediately and that always causes fears. I have done this enough times to know that you just have to keep going. That is just the first level. It’s normal. Each stage of success causes a different level of emotional experience. It’s all about action, mindset and emotional responsibility.

I have kept walking, kept building and dealing with what is right in front of me. In that, everything is unfolding just as it should. I left there to enjoy the 5pm parade. That was a ton of fun as always.

Afterwards, we all cleaned up and headed to the downtown bar when I got a call from my mother. She wanted to go to Cousin’s for a drink. So I started walking towards her when I stopped into Mantra Yoga to say hey to the ladies. They are so sweet. The owner taught my kids Spanish class at OLQH a few years ago. She told me that someone had asked her, “Have you ever met Paige?” She responded, “I don’t have to to know she’s great. I know her kids.” That was the best compliment. Raising my children to be good people is my passion. I want them to love deeper than I ever could. They do a great job of it. They are wonderful people.

When I left, I hopped in my mom’s Mercedes and we took off. Come to find out that Cousins was closed. We were right by Area 337, so I told her she needed to try the food. She didnt want to. She’s a very fancy lady and not too fond of the traditional hole in the wall feel. I didnt take no for an answer.

When we walked in, I saw all my friends. I saw a few at the bar and I Gave them big hugs. Then I walked into the dining room to find my Mardi Gras crew at one big table. “WOW! So I don’t get an invite!!?”, I laughed. They laughed it off too. “We were just talking about you.”, they said. It was cute.

My mom and I were sat by the waitress at a big table in the corner. I immediately went up to the bar to talk to Guillermo, the owner’s brother. “Listen, my mom is very fancy. She needs to be taken care of or she will walk out.”, I told him. We know each other well enough so he understood the assignment. They did a great job. She adored the food. She loved the experience so much so that she didnt want to leave. So I took a seat at the bar while she was telling Guillermo all the ways he could improve the place. She is funny like that. She always wants to help business owners.

I asked her a few times if we could leave and she kept shooing me down. So I turned my attention to the guys who knew us from around town. We talked about life and joked around. Trying to distract my mom, I told Guillermo to come over towards me so I could bless him with Mardi Gras beads. He bowed his head and I adorned him with my catchings. It’s his first Mardi Gras in Lake Charles, it’s only right that Esmerelda shared the adornments.

It was hilarious, drunken behavior. Then out from the back popped the owner, Gustavo. I shook my head, slapped the counter and said “Oh shit!” with my smile. “What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be with Miss Beautiful?”, his waitress asked. “…He is taking care of Kathi.”, I told her. My mom was excited to see him. She began telling him to change the lighting. He messed with his settings to make it right. She likes fancy, intimate places so lighting is her thing. She went on about what she liked and how great her experience was.

“You didnt bless me with beads and you and I have the same name.”, the waitress joked with me. So while Gustavo was accommodating my mother, I blessed Paige. I let momma talk to him before suggesting it was time to go. She was so proud of the place, proud of them. I am too. I see her story in Gustavo. My mother came from nothing. She worked on the side of the road selling shrimp. She built Steamboat Bills with the grit of 1000 warriors. She faced fires, hardships, pain. It was hard. If I could be half the woman she is, I would be in good shape. For me, when I see someone who is trying their best to improve their situation, I honor that. It’s not always easy to find your place in this world. It’s not always easy to figure out how to get where you want to be.

“You respect anyone who works hard.”, someone told me once. I do. Regardless of anything else, if someone is driven, I respect them. Life is short. We are all just doing the best that we can.

That was a beautiful ending to an amazing Mardi Gras vacation. The next day, I had coffee with my mom, picked up the kids and headed back to the beach.

I crashed from the dopamine high quite rapidly. I woke up yesterday morning with my mind racing. So I fixed my protein, took my vitamins, drank my kombucha and called my guy friend to decompress. I realized that I needed to ground my experiences so I went to the beach and sat with my feet in the sand until I was back to normal.

Last night I got a text from a former manager of Buffis. I trusted her so much in the past that I loaned her a LOT OF MONEY. I paid her well. I gave her anything she wanted. She was going to own Buffis one day. We had an agreement. Then she got jealous that I was growing the business and people recognized me. She told me that she was going to close it down while I was on my first retreat last year. It was a bizarre frame of mind, delusional. Granted, while I was planning the yoga fest, she was complaining about me not helping her at Buffis. I mean, when you pay someone a great salary and it’s supposed to a business they are eventually going to buy from you to run it themselves, you would think they would figure out how to manage without calling you constantly. I will admit that I was short with her. I didnt have the bandwidth as I was planning a festival by myself. It was exhausting, the perfect storm for emotional reactions. I of course apologize to anyone if I am ever overly emotional. That didnt suffice for her. She was looking for an excuse to jump ship.

Although losing was going to be a challenge because she made me reliant on her, I had to fire her 5 days after she boldly told me her plan to close the business and buy my equipment so she could turn it into her own place. Apparently the owner of a bar and restaurant, a friend of mine, had been in her ear for months. He told her he would invest with her. When I was open the day after I let her and the entire staff go, he swept the sidewalk in front of my store trying to see if I could handle it. I had a whole store full of guests and employees. It may have been hard, but I trust God. I trusted myself.

It was a hard time in my life. I have grown a lot from the betrayal. She messaged me yesterday saying, “You said you would not serve my stuff…. Please honor this agreement.” She was referring to things we implemented at Buffis on the menu. It wasn’t her stuff. It was creative direction on both our parts. It’s wild how delusional some people can be. I responded, “There is no recipe I have used that is yours. I have honored all agreements that I have made to you. It was not I who dishonored any agreement we made. For someone to think they will shut down a business that I funded for years after making large investments in their future with a guarantee to other finance to them and then ask me to honor agreements is audacious at best. I love you. I have no hard feelings. I however have o idea what you are expecting at this point. You severed our business dealings. I wished you the best and you have all the talent, will and skill to excel at any anything that you do. I pray you the best as always.”

My point in all of this is that no matter what personally happens with me, I will always honor those who are striving for something. Christ instructed us to turn the other cheek when we are slapped. He didnt say lay down. He didnt say run. He said ”Go ahead and hurt me. I will stand affirmed every time.” Don’t get me wrong, I have been vicious in the past. There is a reason that I am so spiritual. I have hurt people who hurt me, but I grieved that Karma on the deepest level. Talk about a lesson learned. You have to know your power and refuse to use it for anything that isnt good.

People who are closest to me joke that I have a gangster living inside of me. Whoever said the Holy Spirit was weak? It’s not that I am trying to prove anything. You either operate in power or weakness. I get weak just like the rest of us. I crumble. I ache from the depths of my soul. However, you always have to return back to power. The only way to ever gain true and lasting power is to stand for something pure.

That is alchemy. I will always show up with a clear heart. Even after my narcissistic ex from years ago stalked and harassed me, I stood my ground peacefully. Have I had my gangster moments, thrown up the middle finger and been engulfed in emotion? Absolutely. Then I return to center, figure out how to grow and move along. I recently loved somebody so much. I saw forever, the love of my life. I can’t make sense of how it felt to walk away. I had to though.

A strong person endures temporary pain for the greater good. It would have hurt me to stay. I don’t question that for one day. When I left, I paved the way for a brighter future for the next woman. He learned how to value someone. He learned how to watch his words. He learned how to protect someone’s heart. He learned how to love. My heart was the sacrifice for him to find what he was looking for. Just as Christ died for us, those who truly love another know exactly why He was willing to be sacrificed. Love is eternal. Love is not selfish. Love is not prideful. Love is not mean. Love is beyond understanding. That is the reality of my heart. Many will never understand. Many believe I cause myself great suffering. I believe that when I find the person who will genuinely see me, they will be blessed for eternity with the love that I will offer.

Until then, I continue to grow in my understandings and do what is best for all.

Everyone is chasing something. I have just chosen to chase peace. In that, I attract all that is meant for me. It’s not for me to judge someone else’s heart. I can discern whether or not someone is healthy for my life, whether or not we resonate, whether or not I will be better with them around. Regardless of their actions, I am responsible for my life experiences. When you untangle from blaming others or excusing yourself, you take enough responsibility to move forward in the highest and best direction. Even if you’re on your ass for a little while, it’s better than getting entangled with energy that could hurt you.

I was on my ass for months with Buffis as I rebuilt the team. I was on my ass recently, you remember. Every time, I just find ways to get creative enough to solve the problem no matter what it requires of me. We are all chasing something, what is that something worth to you?

You have to decide. So here I am, deciding. I will choose love. I will choose forgiveness. I will choose peace. I will choose joy.

Here’s to a life of adventure, love and passion.