Let me take you down the corridor of my mind as I create this morning. Do not expect editing or perfection. This is what it looks like to clear the pipes… Stay with me until the end and there might be something cohesive. This is called “Stream of Consciousness”.
The neuroticism of a woman is such a mystery. We all like a little danger in our lives, and women bring that chaotic appeal to the mundane. There can’t just be laundry in the house. There has to be dramatics that go along with it. Whether it be in a big pile or it stays in the washer for a few days, being ignored is what the laundry has expected, rightfully so. Fuck that shit!
Okay sorry… that was “week before my period” hormones talking.
I am big believer in equality, but not in the way most would assume. Just as you would not expect water to take the shape of a chair unless under extreme conditions like being frozen, you would not expect a woman to carry what man is meant to carry. I like being a woman, especially as I become more aware of the ins and outs of my week by week hormonal changes during the month.
I woke up this morning with racing thoughts. I am in my luteal phase of my moon cycle. Some would call this PMS or PMDD, depending on the level of neuroticism. The progesterone is raging. I call it life, the destiny of the beloved WOMAN. As my thoughts spun around in my head, I dropped into a meditation to quiet that which needs so much attention within me. “I hear you, but you can shut up now.”, I say to myself with kindness as the blank space in my thoughts is created by force…. Ahhh.. You have to love meditation. After arising I went into the kitchen to find a mess that the kids have made. The old me would have thrown quite the fit, but I have been taking care of myself these days. I drink gut healthy coffee. I barely drink alcohol. I am making homemade kombucha. Babyyyy. I am just not going there in my mind with all the anxious thoughts.
Instead, I went to the living room and dropped down to the floor. I stretched out the tightness in my hips, while praying. I thought about how I wanted to approach the fact that the kids didnt clean up after themselves, before deciding that I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
I deserve to enjoy my morning. So I grabbed a really beautiful crystal that I keep next to my writers nook. It’s so interesting to me that our modern society survives off of crystals. They are in nearly all of our technology.
https://polvortexwater.com/blog/how-crystals-are-being-used-in-modern-technology
Crystals are the cornerstone to energy conversion. So it’s not so crazy to believe that holding one might do some good when you aren’t feeling grounded. What I really wanted to do was go outside barefoot, but I don’t have pants on and I really don’t want to put them on either. So I will save that adventure for later.
After my brief rendezvous, holding the crystal while standing statue like in the living room. I realized that I have legitimately become “one of those” really eclectic women who do odd shit. THat’s me. I claim that. Here I am holding crystals in my living room to prevent the onslaught of neurotic emotions from PMS.
It helped. Right after I decided I wanted to create. So here I am, at the page, writing to my lovers and friends. I feel like that is an Usher lyric…
https://open.spotify.com/embed/track/41PWz0hAiU9FqsmjR9Wh62?utm_source=generator
I must be channeling his Superbowl energy…
Anyway, I can’t wait for you to see my kombucha brew. I am going to take a few to the yoga fest. I think I put too much sugar in the last batch, because my scoby is growing so fast I think it’s got a mind of its own!
Everything around here seems to be growing fast. I thought that I lost my fiddle fig leaf tree after I came back from the holidays. Instead of putting it outside, I just over watered it everyday. The leaves just kept falling off and it seemed pretty hopeless. Then one day I walked in and the new buds were forming everywhere and FAST. Let me see if I can take a picture from my computer camera.
See those babies!? That’s a lot for just a few weeks. I was kind of pissy about another plant that I had in my room. It was dead dead. So I stuck it outside my front door. When my neighbor came over she told me it would be fine. “It’s in timeout right now!”, I told her. I pulled it back in shortly after and it too is in fact alive and thriving.
There must be some good energy in the home. I personally feel like things are moving along. I am finding my footing. Buffis has had my attention for the last few months, but I am letting go of the reigns a little more now.
I told my coaching clients that I would pick back up on sessions shortly. Everyone understands. “The Holy Spirit is really using you!”, one client told me. I am sure I already told you this in an email, but I will tell you again.
This particular client and I were working on her business growth. When I suggested that she socialize with a group of people who would be beneficial for networking, she refused. They were apparently part of her childhood trauma. “I am working on this with my therapist.”, she told me. I stopped the session and suggested we go into a subconscious reprogramming. In that, we changed the memories. Shortly after, five of those people came up excited to see her out in public. Sounds miraculous because it is. This is the work that happens in my dreams and visions. Surrendered to the calling, I work with anyone who is guided to break free of their own traumas. I love the work!
It requires purity of energy though and I take that seriously. So, I sidebar certain sessions until I am in higher alignment. The restaurant industry, although easy for me in some regards, does not bring out the absolute best of my personality. Welcome to being human. I am not always my shamanic highest self.
I am not a fan of spiritual workers who use their gifts when they aren’t in energetic alignment with highest and best.
One thing that I find is that YOUR energy plays a major role in the transference. Holding space is a service, but if there is no space within you then how can you really create space for others? I take the Spirit work seriously.
I remember doing a breath work session once and feeling darkness come over me from the facilitator. I got up immediately and called upon my own light. Yikes. I have been very cautious ever since.
Everybody wants to be gifted and a spiritual shaman these days, but I don’t buy it. “I would do anything else for a living if I could.”, a gifted oracle told me once. I trust her, because I feel the same way. Although I love the work, it is a wild experience.
Regardless, I am surrendered, especially during my luteal phase. I will say this though… now that I have been taking care of my gut, I am far less anxious than I used to be. Your girl used to have panic attacks. When you open for the good, you open for the bad too and that takes some discernment to recognize. Spiritual self care is a real practice. It makes you appreciate the boundaries that you learn to set.
I really do like myself more too these days, which makes it easier for me to set the boundaries. I think there is a level of self respect to be had when you are taking control of your health. Making decisions that make you proud is important. I am a big believer in sizing up the things we do with the question, “Will I regret this or be ashamed of this later?” The more you choose the highest and best path, the more you learn to love yourself.
There is something very sacred about self respect. As Valentine’s Day approaches, I am very thankful for the self respect that I have witnessed within myself. As I heal, learn and grow, I find myself far more aware of who I really am on the level of my soul.
As a woman, who on a basic grading scale is about a 6/7 in appearance, I struggle with dumb ass modern day insecurities like the rest of us average girls. The reality is though that there is no scale for the beauty of a deeply felt woman. I have realized that as I begin to deeply feel myself. I feel beautiful. I don’t feel like there is any competition for my energy and not because I am the best. It is just because I feel like I am always exactly where I need to be, with whom I need to be with in order to offer the highest energy and love. There is no other me. I don’t even compare myself when I am flowing with other people. My goal is that we all feel just as confident.
For me, it took a lot of deep inner work. I had to see myself clearly. I had to be honest with myself about my habits and the things that were unconscious. As I get comfortable with who I am, I don’t take things so seriously. I feel more attractive to myself because I know how to take care of my physical, psychological and emotional needs.
That makes a big difference in the grand scheme of life. As I really spend my time refining my life experience, I get happier. I feel good about things, even when I feel like they are out of my control.
I am mastering the art of presence. I trust that as I nurture my soul and my nervous system, God will align what is highest and best.
I am in a major transitional phase in life right now. I have been living between two cities for half a year. I am figuring out how to let Buffis function without me in a way that will nurture what I have built. I am building a new business from the ground up. All of this takes time. There’s a level of respect that must be had in the transition.
I got an email from Gabe’s school asking about re enrollment. I signed him back up for school in Ocean Springs for next year. I guess that is a commitment of some sort. I may just be staying put for another year. I mean… I go back and forth every single time I spend an extended period of time in Lake Charles. Let’s be honest… I absolutely adore my hometown, my friends and my family. I LOVE being there. I am so freaking comfortable. But when I am in Ocean Springs, I feel a peace that I just don’t have anywhere else. Who is to say what the future holds though…
All that I am committed to is finishing this book! Good Lord it is getting good! I cannot wait to share it with you. It is probably one of the best stories that I have ever written.
Anyways… I need to go put some fiber in my body before my progesterone levels start to make me act like I have no sense at all.
Here’s to Mardi Gras! I have my costume picked out. What about you?
What should he name be?
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