Paige Vidrine

It’s interesting how you carry on in life only to look back and realize just how far you’ve gotten.

I’m at that place where the dead leaves have fallen and new growth is appearing. I’m not quite fully developed, but I’m getting somewhere.

You know I don’t hard launch my business for the public on social, but you are part of my tribe. So, you’ve been getting all the messy parts of me for over a year now.

As a spiritual teacher, it’s important for me to not just document my journey, but to dive head first into it with relentless vulnerability.

How much more vulnerable can someone get than talking about their love life? Mine has been interesting to say the least.

I’ve learned valuable lessons over the years that have been painful, but helpful in some sense to my approach these days.

A week or so ago I had a date with Beamer. He’s a northerner, the type who says fuck as part of his every day vocabulary. He’s rough around the edges, but there was something about him when we met that intrigued me. I challenged his thought process and he welcomed that. He didn’t push back or get defensive. It was refreshing.

We haven’t touched in any way, because I haven’t even ran a background check on him yet. Lol. Call me crazy if you want but I’m not physically exchanging energy with a potential love interest without making sure they aren’t con men first.

Anyone can say the right things and fool you. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned about dating it’s to be cautious, especially when you have children.

Although we haven’t crossed any physical thresholds, the mental ones are pretty gratifying. He approached a conversation in the oddest way the other day. He basically was talking shit to me. I fired back without being insulting. “You have a fire.”, he told me. “I’m Italian. Of course, but that’s not the energy I want in a relationship.”, I replied.

Last night he was aggressive in a response towards me and I politely drew the line and told him that a rougher woman might be a better fit for him.

He told me to call him. That conversation took an unexpected turn. “I’m aware that I self sabotage.”, he explained. I like a man in therapy. “Look, I’ve been where you are. I’ve ruined my shot with a man I absolutely adored by being cold. I pushed him away. But I’m not there anymore. I’ve been single for so long that I have learned all my lessons. Im willing to be patient, but I have boundaries and standards.”

He listened and completely changed his energy. The thing is that I have learned. He’s in the early stages of the journey. I see myself clearly in his behavior. I get it.

“Just ask for clarity if you need it.”, I told him.

“People don’t talk like you.”, he replied.

“I’ve fucked up by not communicating properly. So I don’t care if I come across as odd or strange. I’m going to be as clear as possible so if it doesn’t work out it’s not because of something that I did.”, I told explained.

That’s the thing with dating. Anyone can throw themselves into a relationship and hope for the best. I’m already clear about the future I want to create. Right now I’m waiting to find someone who can compliment that.

“I’m in no rush.”, I explained.

He told me that if the right woman could tame him she would reap a big reward. “What is that reward?”, I asked.

“Someone women value different things. I want to know if it’s a reward that I value.”, I explained.

You can buy intimacy gadgets at the store so selling me on sex isn’t going to work.

I have an unbeatable work ethic so money isn’t going to entice me.

I am not materialistic so his Porsche and G Wagon don’t get me excited.

“She’ll have a protector.”, he said.

That was a good answer. I could invest a little energy into helping a man become the best version of himself for something like that.

“I am on my journey. I can invest, but it cannot distract me.”, I explained.

I’m not interested in a project. Im attracting a counterpart.

What’s so interesting about this dynamic is that he doesn’t flatter me at all. It would make another woman insecure with how he approaches things, but I’ve had men love bomb and flatter me just to cut me down a few weeks later.

So, this behavior isn’t an issue. I actually appreciate his caution. He disclosed that he ran a background check on me already. That tells me that he values his children, his business, his life. I can respect it even though being on the receiving end of it feels invasive.

I can handle pressure. I just can’t handle disrespect. I explained that to him and he said, “I’m from up north. It’s different.”

“I was raised by a Chicago native. I get it. I’ve started riots. I understand the fight. I’ve grown up. I want good energy around me.” , I told him.

He’s learning. The thing is that Im not invested at all. Neither is he. However, this connection is a really beautiful opportunity to sharpen my skills in communication.

Im learning how to navigate rough waters without being thrown out of the boat.

All of this brings me back to my power. Women have the power to press the gas or the brake. We control the speed. We have the wisdom to teach and guide. We are the life breath of connection. We are the water. Learning and appreciating that power has been a revolutionary experience as I grow from my past.

Every lover before this has given me valuable experience in understanding what I want and how I want to be treated.

It may take a lot of effort to open my heart, but that’s okay. Whoever can do that will be rewarded for it.

I was shattered in the past. It’s taken a very long time for me to mend my heart without getting angry or resentful.

I now know my boundaries. I don’t have walls. I just have clear indicators of what is and isn’t acceptable to be worthy of even touching me.