“I’m not sure any of this is real.”, I told Breezy last night as we sat on the porch discussing life.
“What do you mean? What is real then?”, he asked.
“Emotions. Heart. Love. Connection.”, I replied in my deep meditative voice.
“Pain.”, he said.
“Exactly.”
“Energy is real.”, he continued.
“Right. Like how are we together right now? Of all the odds, how did this happen?”, I asked.
“Magnets. Our energy.”, he replied.
There’s been a lot coming up for me around magnetism.
You can’t deny when something magnetizes to you. How does that happen? What is it all for?
What causes the seemingly magnetic connection?
I’ve come to realize that when we magnetize certain scenarios it is to strengthen or solidify our value system.
Even chaos is used for this purpose.
For instance, I have a value system around loyalty. Often I am presented the opportunity to talk about people I love. When those opportunities arise, I see it as a way to strengthen my value of loyalty.
When you are tempted, people say it’s the devil. Is it? Could it be God providing you an opportunity to strengthen that which you desire within you?
The stronger the value, the more magnetic it becomes.
Think of someone who is passionate about something. The more passionate they become, the more people recognize and notice their work around the topic. This is magnetism.
I often think about women who value ambition up there with the top 3 values they have. What happens? They magnetize opportunities to chase their ambitions or to stay busy accomplishing things. It’s magnetism based on a value.
People start to associate that woman with her ability to get things done. It keep attracting more and more possibilities.
In a similar way, I value radical candor, the ability to have hard conversations and communicate in love.
Because of this value, I am often faced with the task of strengthening this skill set.
For instance, Breezy came to Lake Charles with me this past weekend. At dinner with my family, he opened up his phone and I saw a few stories of women pop up on Facebook.
I wasn’t mad because it’s still early in the relationship for us. He’s been a single man for nearly two years.
So when we got in the car I told him, “I am not mad, but I saw those women’s stories pop up. The only reason someone comes to the front of your story is if you follow their moves. The only concern that I have is that if you’re attracted to that, I have to be real with myself. I’m not that. I may never look like them. And I’m okay with that. But are you?”
He picked up his phone and opened the app. We couldn’t find evidence of these women appearing. He was trying to communicate, but I really didn’t want to talk.
I shut down. “Look what I’m not going to do is keep talking about this.”, I said before continuing, “Like I said. I’m not mad. I may be a little less attracted to you, but I’m not mad.”
When we got back to my place, he sat in a chair across from me and calmly expressed himself. I was shut down, but doing my best to listen and hear him.
He asked me if I needed more time to heal. He confronted me about how I shut down.
Then he went to shower and gave me space to think. When he came out he told me, “Paige, I know what’s in front of me. I’ve been a single man for a long time. I’m tightening up. But I’ve never given you a reason to think I wasn’t attracted to you.”
I realized after we discussed the boundaries that I have ways I deal with fear that have to change.
As much as I like to believe that I communicate so well, there’s room for improvement.
You only get a few people in life that have the heart to grow with you. You have to cherish those relationships.
Mine keep me focused on growth even when it forces me to look at my own patterns.
The next day, I sat around the fire with my neighborhood friends and I told them this story. Everyone in a relationship understood. These are learning curves. It’s not something to panic about.
After much contemplation, I came to realize that I have feelings for Breezy that I have never felt before. I feel grounded when he touches me. There’s not one man that I’ve ever dealt with like him. His energy feels like I’m protected even when things go wrong.
That scares me. I’m looking for fatal flaws, ready to find out that it’s all a lie. That fear is something I face off with quite often. As time goes by, I’m learning how to better communicate. I’m learning how to navigate this new terrain.
Shutting down is my shadow of constraint. I close up and kick everyone out. B Y E. However, if I’m going to live by my values, I have to face the fact that this isn’t the way to do that.
I have to open my arms to this dance I am doing with his energy.
He woke up a few mornings ago and told me that one of my exes visited him in a dream. They stalked me and found where we were eating. When I got up from the table they sat down in front of Breezy and told him, “You won’t be here long.” He fought the energy and won.
“You’re protecting me in the spirit world.”, I said when he told me about his experience.
I’ve been protecting myself and others for so long. It’s wild how grounded it makes me feel to know that I have someone on my side.
“I’m your goon.”, he tells me all the time.
We are different. That’s for sure. We came from vastly different worlds. Our values are similar though.
Through time, We strengthened the values within ourselves. We nurtured our own truths separately. In that awakening to the inner landscape of the heart, we ignited the magnetic field that drew us together.
This opportunity allows me to see myself even more clearly, the good, the bad and the ugly.
As iron sharpens iron, so one friend sharpens the other.
You have to allow the sharpening to occur.
May we continue to view all that enters our lives as an opportunity to strengthen that which attracts the highest and best for us and everyone around us.
May we continue to bring our awareness to the values we hold dear. May we view our challenges as an opportunity to alchemize the shadows within ourselves so we can walk boldly forward into higher light.
With the Deepest Love,
Paige Elliott
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