I have had some free time in the evenings lately so I decided to find a decent show to watch on Netflix. Grey’s Anatomy is usually my go to comfort show, but I have played all 16 or so seasons on repeat a few times. I don’t often actually watch TV for pure entertainment purposes. When I do watch, I study character development. My short stint in film school at Baylor ruined my ability to escape into television series or movies. I analyze now.
It’s just like finding out the signs of narcissism. After that, you are psycho analyzing any potential partner for the signs of abuse. Or….. maybe that’s just me. After all, I have always been quite the analyzer and researcher.
Regardless, I found myself laying in bed last night watching “Sex And the City”. It’s a fabulous show despite the fact that it is devoid of any real morals. I like the narration, the playfulness and the truth about being single.
I had been single for so long that I didnt know how to not be single. As Miranda enters her relationship with Steve, I see her anxieties and laugh. That is me. Do I really want to let go of the single life? I love being alone. On top of that, I have routines that keep me focused. I have my frequency. There are so many nuances to getting into a new relationship. Breezy, my Mississippi love interest, is a really nice guy though. For Mother’s Day, he worked over the stove for hours cooking his mother, his sister and myself a Mother’s Day dinner while we enjoyed the pool. I don’t know if I told you this, but a while back he took Gabe to the studio to record his first song. He is a good man. I like him.
I appreciate his effort to say the least. But like in any real relationship, things get sticky at times. Breezy doesn’t really know me in my natural environment so I don’t feel like he’s gotten a fair shake when it comes to seeing what I offer. However, I am in this foreign land learning who I am at my core. He came in at a time where the truest, most raw parts of myself are visible. It’s vulnerable to say the least. Needless to say, the honeymoon phase is wearing off and we are making choices in real time that affect the way this relationship will flow.
If you know anything about me, you know that I listen to the things people say. When they don’t add up, I ask questions. Often times in a new relationship there are many things to unfold and you can’t always do that quickly. We are learning about each other’s pasts and dreams. We are unpacking old relationships. We are living in the moment and enjoying each other in real time. It’s a lot.
I found myself in a panic recently, questioning Breezy about information he was excluding from conversations. “Wait, so why does your daughter know about a potential work trip, but I don’t?”, I asked. I am Italian so when I get to asking questions it can be aggressive. When a few of the pieces weren’t adding up I found myself bringing out the side of myself I really thought was tamed. “You do know I was raised by some gangsters right? Like, do you think I am some dumb white girl?”, I went off.
He found himself backed into a corner, explaining things. It all lined up and I realized there would be no need for me to know about a possible work trip that wasn’t aligned. There I was analyzing the life out of a man while simultaneously exposing my roots as a hot headed Italian.
I was left asking myself, “Am I toxic?” I am not afraid explore the possibility as I allow myself to grow through all of the moments where I get to see myself more clearly.
The goal isnt to be perfect. The goal is to grow. I think of fake plants and real plants. Yes, fake plants serve their purpose. They look good. They set the environment, etc… But there is nothing like real plants with real roots. Something can be perfect and look good to the outside world, but does it purify the space? I am all about the invisible side to life, the soul, the roots. I want to feel them deeply. I want to stare my inner gangster down and see her for who she is. I want to transform those roots in order to serve humanity rather than to simply gain compliance from those around me.
“I know what I feel for you.”, Breezy tells me as we work through both of our flaws. I need space and lots of it as I grow here. He gives it to me.
Growth requires elements of surrender that can feel quite painful to the ego and I am okay with all of that. I am not here for the easy trips around the sun. I can take the discomfort as long as it produces peace in the end.
Regardless of whether or not I end my single days for good, this experience is the type of growth that I need. It’s just enough to pull me out of my ego and drop me into something that might just help me see life from a different perspective. Widened perspectives bring peace.
Oh! And I am about to go on a 3 week mindset cleanse. I can’t wait to share the results. Retreat is approaching and momma has to bring the best.
With the Deepest Love,
Paige Elliott
Leave a Reply