Do you ever just want to give up? I am convinced that’s the thought that arises right before a breakthrough occurs. I have seen it over and over again in my own life through the years. It’s at that breaking point that light penetrates and shifts everything.
“Can we be open to the neutrality when it arises?”, I ask myself day in and day out. Can we be open to non movement, standing, waiting for the light to take form? I’d like to tell you that I have a record of being patient, not forcing. Reality is that I have worked family time away for awards that collect dust. I gave up self for money only to realize happiness is about how you can serve not what you can buy. I subscribed to hustle culture only to find myself searching in the mirror for the artist I once was or still am? I had questions. I worked so hard for so many years and wondered if I’d ever get a big break. And raising two kids alone does something to your mental state.
But God is bigger than my little mind. God is bigger than my little accomplishments. God is bigger than my fear. God is bigger than my questions. God is bigger than my doubts. God is bigger.
I realized that God is bigger many years ago when I’d wake up ready for war, spiritual or otherwise. I didnt have to do much some days except get out of my own way.
“Can you outsmart yourself?”, I wonder on the hard days when my feminine emotions take control and I need glasses for my soul. Everything is blurry. I don’t know the way. I don’t want to keep going on the path of the calling. Then I remember. God is bigger. Can I outsmart myself? Sometimes wisdom is simply just a matter of dedication, waiting, patience. Quiet the mind and enter eternity in this moment.
I wrote this yesterday before I opened my book to dedicate my time to yet another sentence, another chapter of what seems to be an endless task.
Earlier that morning, my friend sent me a card she pulled about the artist’s dedication to their labor of love. God was speaking to me. I was listening.
I have my moments when I don’t want to continue. I have dedicated so much time to a project that has no guarantee of paying off. Time is valuable to me. I have opportunities that knock every single day that I have to postpone or say no to only to find myself back at the page, translating a story that has lived in me for years.
Million dollar deals are calling my name and I feel reckless looking the other way so that I can finish what I started, what God called me to do.
“If I don’t finish this book by July, I will never come back to it.”, I told my Mississippi Man.
“You don’t think?”, he replied.
“I know myself. I won’t touch it again.”, I explained.
I have to follow through, find the energy, do it. Is it hard? Writing isnt hard for me. The story isnt hard. I don’t have writers block. What I have is an addiction to ambition in the form I have known it for so long. When I have an idea, I see it manifest in a blink of an eye. I want murals on walls, so I get it done in weeks. I want festivals. I throw them. I want business. I make it happen. I am addicted to the results of seeing my ideas in form within weeks.
It’s been years that this story has been incubating in my spirit, maybe lifetimes but there’s no solid proof of that. All I know is that it has to come out. So I wrote to myself, reminding me to let go. I have to trust God here. This is a waiting game, a time of patience. I have to commit to what I set out to attain. All I need is to get the story out. What happens after that doesn’t matter so much. I just can’t live with this desire unmanifested.
I pray about my next move. I meditate. All I keep seeing is me at the computer writing. So I write.
After I wrote the excerpt above, I worked for hours on my story until the entire first half was completed! The weight of the world lifted off of my spirit. I feel like I have been under a spiritual attack for so long as I have been conquering this task. I don’t talk about war until the results are in. Here we are. A major milestone has been reached. The darkness is defeated. I outsmarted my own self, the limiting beliefs and the desire for faster results. I have been patient and I love what I am reading.
I cannot wait to share more with you as the time passes. Now I have one month to edit the second half of the story. Send me all the love and positive vibes.
With The Deepest Love,
Paige Elliott
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