Home can start to feel like a cage when you don’t have someone to share it with. I didnt realize until I spent the day at the house with Breezy and the kids. There was art, play, laughter and scents of a home cooked meal floating through the house. A few of my best friends called today to ask me “Who is the man without a face on your social media?” If you haven’t seen, I have been posting a soft launch.
“Girlllll…. I got a man!”, I told them. We laughed on the phone as I joked about our differences. They are all so happy for me. “She has a big community behind her.”, they tell him when I introduce them through the phone.
He smiles and laughs. “Tell them how you get up and walk away from tables.”, he joked. It’s a c-PTSD symptom that I have. In past relationships, I could never say how I feel without being criticized or emotionally punished. So when I have a feeling in a romantic relationship, I just walk away as if nothing is bothering me. With Breezy, I am learning how to say what I feel before I just randomly walk away without warning.
There’s a lot that I am learning. I will give you more details in time.
All of this is just reminding me that we are all mirrors. You get to decide what you want reflected.
I could have chosen people who have a great career, but are missing something within. Had I stared in that mirror, I would have easily lost myself trying to help them heal. Been there. Done that. I let go of that for the sake of the mirror. I deserve to be in my best health emotionally. I deserve a partner in their best health emotionally.
I could have chosen the avoidant who needed me to prove my worth in order for him to fall in love with me. What would that have reflected about my self worth? I choose myself. I deserve a partner who has chosen themself as well.
With Breezy, I am choosing depth. I am choosing someone who saw my value from day one, because I know my value. I am choosing a spiritual connection. Why? The mirror on the wall is showing me balance, patience, mental strength, courage, imagination, art, adventure, family and personality. Best of all, he communicates.
I am running to this reflection. What it has taught me is that we all get to choose what we see in our lives. Sometimes you have to rise to the occasion to believe in how worthy you are of receiving what is being reflected back to you. The years of healing work that I have done are preparing me for deeper levels of peace.
If I were to look within and ask, “Mirror Mirror on The Wall, Show me my worth, all in all.” I could only pray that what is reflected back is balanced, patience, a strong mind, courage, imagination, art, adventure, family and a great personality.
Breezy is helping me to rest. I haven’t felt this calm in a long time. I feel like I have been let out of a cage, one that I didn’t even realize that I was inside. It was the home of my traumas. I guess it’s true when they say that the deepest healing occurs in intimate relationships.
Regardless of if this lasts forever, it is true medicine in this moment. That is what matters most.
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